[warning, this is a long one!]
Alright, so I emailed Lane after our first date with some questions I had that didn't get answered. I knew it would take him a few days to respond because it usually does, but even though my brain was thinking, my heart and hormones weren't. I spent all weekend telling myself to calm down and be patient. How obnoxious! Conference was super great though. I so needed it. The Brethren, as always, were right on queue, as always. I got what I needed from it. Trust in the Lord's timing, learn how do make and KEEP a budget (still working on this one...eesh), and that the Brethren are called of God. I love conference! I was able to go to the Sunday morning broadcast and that was so marvelous!! I love Motab!! It made me totally homesick for my mission. I was so blessed to have served there.
Okay, back to the boy update...so, Lane finally wrote me back on Monday. He didn't say anything about meeting up again, but that was okay. I was just happy that he wasn't scared away because I wrote him first, blah, blah, blah--I hate the "games" and "rules" in dating. Adds so much pressure. So, I just wrote him back and didn't hear from him again until Wednesday. He said that he was planning on going to Capitol Reef this weekend, but may have to cancel because of the weather. So, he wanted to know if I wanted to do something. I told him that I had plans Friday (I went to a play with a friend--it was super weird!), but Saturday I was available. I didn't hear from him until Friday at 4pm. I, of course was starting to worry that he maybe changed his mind. My friends were telling me that I should make plans because it was rude of him to not tell me in advance, but it all boiled down to the fact that 1) I really wanted to see him, 2) He didn't tell me originally that it was set because he still wanted to go to Capitol Reef, and 3) It would have been a game really--making something up that wasn't real. That's now how I roll. If I ever end up dating him and he still doesn't let me know in some kind of advance for some things, I'll definitely let him know, but it's kind of early in the game for that. Now that I look back on it, it's really not that big of a deal and it wasn't that much time, but holy cow I was hormonal!
Anyway, we ended up hanging out yesterday (Saturday) and went to Costa Vida and bowling. It was good. It was a little frustrating to me because I wanted to get to know him, but I was drawing a total blank on question I wanted to ask and things I actually wanted to know about him. I hope it wasn't annoying for him. I did find out some things from him though. I knew it before, but it was fun hearing him talk about the kinds of things he does outdoors like hiking, snowshoeing, ice fishing, etc. I'm both excited to learn and nervous that this could be a deal breaker since I probably won't want to do these things as often as he does, but who knows, maybe he'll convince me. I like doing things, I'm just not a good planner. So, we'll see.
Analysis: I'm very much interested in him. I feel like I just want to spend more time with him. I had fun bowling with him. I was so horrible. He was pretty good. We had fun though. He was a nice coach for me. It was cute. haha. At the end of the date he told me we should do something again and I said to call me. So, it ended well, right?
Well, for some reason after he left, I felt really depressed, and we're talking real depression! It was weird. I think it had to do with the fact that it was dark and gloomy outside and I slept for 4 hours and still felt really off and depressed. I woke up and felt that I really needed to go to the temple. I wanted to do initiatories because I really needed to be reminded of the blessings within. It was really good. I felt the Lord's love, especially through random people. It was really awesome. Afterward, I went to my old ward's closing social. I'm really glad I went because it stopped me from thinking and analyzing. It was good to see my old friends and bishopric. I even made it in the slideshow from when I went to the Draper Temple Open House! How funny is that! We played volleyball afterward and I got happy.
This morning when I woke up (Easter morning btw)I still felt off. It was beautiful and sunny outside. I went to our Women at the Well practice (we're singing this this coming Sunday if anyone wants to come! that is, anyone that is reading this humongo blog entry...). Of course I was thinking of the Savior all morning and trying to get past this dark feeling knowing there were so many things to be grateful for and that the Lord was showing me His love by the day, birds, purple blossoms, etc. One of the sisters gave a spiritual thought about the Savior that really touched me. I said the opening prayer and got emotional thinking of the Savior and His sacrifice and how it is for us. The songs were really touching too (of course) and I left feeling a little better, but still off. I prayed really hard when I came home and the spirit prompted me to realize that this is a trial I was going through (duh!). I then changed my train of thought from "Why can't I shake this?!" to "What can I learn from this?" and it was so much better. Sacrament meeting and Sunday School gave me some reflection time, but it wasn't until Relief Society where I really started feeling a change in my emotions.
We were learning about how we could be "Valient in the Cause of Christ." The Spirit was teaching me random things right and left. For the last few months, probably 6 months or so, I have really wondered if I would be able to lay down my life for the Church if need be. I keep hoping I would, but never knew how I would know that. Joseph Smith taught that "The Lord [gives] us power in proportion to the work to be done, and strength according to the race set before us, and grace and help as our needs [require]." Wow! That struck me like a ton of bricks! I learned so much from this. First, if I am ever in a position where the Lord WILL require me to lay down my life, my testimony is strong enough (obviously still growing), that the Lord will give me the strength necessary for me to act in that proportion. The second thing I learned is that I do have great qualities and the Lord is proud of me. I think I really needed to feel that. It's so easy to get down on myself and feel I'm "not good enough" when a guy is either not interested or taking his dear sweet time to get interested (haha). I felt so much better after church! To top it off, Lane had responded to my text. I asked him how his play was last night. Honestly, I know I should probably let him make these moves, but...ugh...I hate that! I just want to know! This is probably why I'm not married yet huh? Whatev.
In other news...I really needed my family fix today. I called my family and talked to them a bit. I love them so much! Dad was just called to be the High Priest Group Leader AND the Elder's Quorum President! Gotta love those branches. The branch needs to be whipped back into shape Preisthoodly speaking and I think he is the right man for the job. I'm so blessed to have him as an example and father.
I called Becky after church and she invited me over for dinner. It was so good to be there. Food was much better than what I would have made (maybe a sandwich or even cereal haha), and her kids are so darn cute! Caden is getting so big! It's amazing how fast they grow! He's 1 month today and is so sweet! I love these kids! They all got parachute things that were attached to a rubber bunny to weigh them down and you throw it up in the air...anyway, it was quite entertaining. Especially since they kept getting them caught in the tree. haha They were so preoccupied with the parachutes that they didn't need an Easter egg hunt, which I was a little sad about because that's hilarious to watch little kids go bonkers over hard boiled eggs. Alas, not in this Easter's cards. It was good talking to Becky too. I just held Caden and we chatted while the kids played with Andrew. It's been a while since we've actually sat down to talk.
I went to Jana's and watched the Testaments with them. It was funny watching them discipline dogs, too. They have two weenier dogs (Lady and Tramp) and they were watching Jenny's dog (CJ--bigger then them). Tramp was sitting on the couch on my Mike's lap next to me while CJ was in front of me. Tramp totally lunged for CJ! I was slightly frightened for my legs. It was crazy! So, Mike put Tramp in "his room" and then like 10 minutes later CJ started eating the frozen cookies Mike set on the counter to cook. That was hilarious! Mike put CJ outside. It was very entertaining. I will never have dogs, but holy cow that was entertaining.
So, moral of today's entry: the Lord loves us, answers prayers always (even if it is in HIS time and not mine), family is great, and everything works out.
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